Does Santa Really Exist?

Courtesy of the Expand Your Mind website, a logical breakdown of just how big a job Santa faces each year. For example, even excluding non-Christian children around the world, 378 million children remain, and presuming at least one good child per household, that's 91.8 million homes. Thanks to different time zones and the rotation of the earth, Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, which works out to 822.6 visits per second, or 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. The dude is really fast!

Visit the Expand Your Mind philosophy of Santa page.

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Nina L. Diamond's Annual Holiday Parody

by Nina L. Diamond

Each year at this time, Nina treats us to a Holiday Parody…See links to past parodies at the bottom of the page. Enjoy!

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SANTA CLAUS:
The World’s Best Distribution & Marketing Guy

The next time anyone complains that they don’t know how to properly distribute or market a particular book, remind them that every year, for centuries, one man has managed to distribute and market his products all by himself, brilliantly and with a smile: Santa Claus – The World’s Best Distribution & Marketing Guy.

Santa Claus…

  • Handles worldwide distribution all by himself, and distributes to every well-behaved child on earth.

  • Gets it done just once a year, all in one night.

  • Does everything without relying on any high tech stuff. Elves handle design and production. Flying reindeer handle transportation. Santa uses hand-written lists, a sleigh, and a cloth sack. No computers, no cell phones.

  • Is 300+ pounds and looks like a coronary waiting to happen, yet he still carries all his toys in a sack over his shoulder and makes his own deliveries…via chimney.

  • Is older than 65, and has been for centuries. This shows you how valuable older workers really are.

  • Does his work without stress or office politics. No road (or sky) rage. He’s always in a good mood and clearly loves his work.

  • Distributes under the worst weather conditions possible: in the dead of winter, at night, when it’s very cold, and often icy and snowy.

  • Actually knows what his customers want, unlike publishers, who just think they know, but are usually wrong.

  • Makes sure his products arrive in perfect condition. They’re never damaged during “shipping.”

  • Never charges for overnight delivery.

  • Never has to worry about returns. There are no returns to Santa.

  • Is one of the most famous men in the world, has been for centuries, and is likely to be for centuries to come. His image is everywhere across the world during the holiday season. He’s a marketing genius. And he never has to send out a press release or rely on a website. Yet, if you Google him, he’s everywhere.

    Santa Claus has never messed with his brand.

    He’s consistent, and never changes to pander to the times, trends, or fads. He would never let anyone talk him into changing his methods or his look.

    There will be NO:

  • New & Improved Santa
  • South Beach Diet Santa
  • Tattoed & Pierced Santa
  • Willie Nelson Santa
  • James Bond Santa
  • Rock Star Santa
  • Professional Wrestler Santa
  • Aging Hippie Santa
  • Guru Santa
  • Plumber’s Butt Santa
  • Celebrity Chef Santa
  • Hugh Hefner Santa
  • Biker Santa
  • Reality Show Santa
  • Florida Retiree Santa

    In a rapidly changing industry, where marketing is such a challenge and distributors come and go so quickly, isn’t it nice to know that some things never change? That on top of the North Pole (so long as global warming behaves), Santa Claus, the World’s Best Marketing and Distribution Guy, can always be counted on…as long as we behave.

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    Past Holiday Parodies:

    ’Twas the Night Before Christmas in Newsland

    Publishing Christmas Carols

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    Nina L. Diamond is a journalist, essayist, and the author of Voices of Truth: Conversations with Scientists, Thinkers & Healers. Her work has appeared in numerous publications, including Omni, The Los Angeles Times Magazine, The Chicago Tribune, and The Miami Herald.

    Ms. Diamond was a writer and performer on Pandemonium, the National Public Radio (NPR) satirical humor program, for its entire run in Miami and select markets nationwide from 1984-1998. As an editor, she works frequently with other authors and journalists on both fiction and non-fiction.

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    Logo image courtesy of George Glazer Gallery, NYC georgeglazer.com