Santa's Gone High-Tech

Now there's no need to wonder if Santa Claus will get your letter in time. Santa's gone high-tech, and happily, not to mention merrily, accepts email. You can write to him at www.EmailSanta.com. Though, if you're planning to drill for oil at The North Pole he might not want to hear from you. Send an email to Santa and Mrs. Claus at EmailSanta.com

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Feature

2008 Annual Holiday Parody

An Open Letter From Santa Claus

North Pole

November, 2008



Dear People of the World,



After receiving your heartfelt letters for so many years, this year I thought I'd write you one. All of you.



I wanted to reassure you that although the global economy has faced severe challenges recently, the North Pole has not been affected and never will be. It is, after all, a magical place that's above such things, and not just geographically. I'll explain:

 

 

 

  • All of your presents, including toys, clothes, books, and other gifts, are made entirely at the North Pole, which is not a corporation and is not affected in any way by people in "The Lower World," and that includes your stock market, banks, investors, publishers, Chinese toy manufacturers, and the Alaska governor. Unless, of course, that crazy woman tries to drill up here.

     

    •  

     

    • Our Christmas Eve worldwide deliveries are reindeer-powered, so we don't give a reindeer's behind about gas prices.

       
    • No elf has ever been laid off in the entire history of The North Pole, and that will never change. Employment is at 100%, as usual. Also, all of our employees are neither legal nor illegal residents. They're elves. And elves know no geographical boundaries. Look, there's one behind you. No, only kidding.

       
    • All elves have free health care with no restrictions. Mrs. Claus and I are both older than ice and still goin' strong, but that has nothing to do with health. We're magical. So, no, we don't pay any attention to your pharmaceutical ads. And, just for the record, I don't need Viagra.

       
    • Contrary to rumors swirling around your media, I won't be changing my reindeer Blitzen's name to Blitzer, no matter how many letters CNN's little Wolfie sends me.

       
    • And finally, since I will never retire, I don't need nor have a retirement fund. And, just for the record, if I were mortal and planning my retirement I certainly wouldn't put my money in the stock market. That's just legalized gambling based on an illusion. And you think people are nuts for believing in me?



      * Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night,



      Santa Claus



      * Yes, I was quoted accurately in that famous poem. I really do say that.





      * * * * *



      See Nina's past Holiday Parodies:



      2007 Holiday Parody



      2006 Holiday Parody



      2005 Holiday Parody



      2004 Holiday Parody



      2003 Holiday Parody

      * * * * *

      Nina L. Diamond is a journalist, essayist, and the author of Voices of Truth: Conversations with Scientists, Thinkers & Healers. Her work has appeared in numerous publications, including Omni, The Los Angeles Times Magazine, The Chicago Tribune, and The Miami Herald.

      Ms. Diamond was a writer and performer on Pandemonium, the National Public Radio (NPR) satirical humor program, for its entire run in Miami and select markets nationwide from 1984-1998. As an editor, she works frequently with other authors and journalists on both fiction and non-fiction.