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Much Ado About Publishing

Impacted Cranial Rectitis

by Nina L. Diamond

More common than any other illness or disease, Impacted Cranial Rectitis has long been an epidemic across this country, and can be found in every industry, every aspect of our culture, and in millions of individuals.

Do you have it? I hope not, but you might. Certainly, you know plenty of people who do.

Impacted Cranial Rectitis is the medical term for having your head up your ass.

I first heard that term years ago, and it has come in quite handy since the ‘90s when trying to explain to people what’s wrong with the media, entertainment, and publishing industries, and the world at large.

It is, unfortunately, the answer to almost every question about the industries’ odd, illogical, greedy, yet counterproductive, ignorant behaviors. And I don’t say that to be a smart-ass (pun obviously very intended), I say that because, sadly, it’s the truth.

There are lots of ways to have your head up your ass, and lots of stuff you can take up there with you.

Agents, for instance, often take book proposals, manuscripts, e-mails, and even cell phones up there.

Let’s take a look at Impacted Cranial Rectitis in action:

An author I know – we’ll call her Ann – recently got an offer for her book from a large, well-respected, independent publishing house, and needed an agent to pick up from there, negotiate the contract, and do all the other things agents do from that point on.

I referred Ann to an agent we’ll call Mary. I even called Mary and left a very clear, detailed message on her voicemail, explaining that Ann had an offer from this particular publisher (a company whose name Mary certainly would recognize) and now needed an agent.

This was every agent’s dream come true: a client with an offer already on the table. A low-risk situation in which the agent doesn’t have to pitch the book to publishers and then hope someone bites.

Ann, the author, sent an e-mail to Mary, the agent, explaining everything and asking if she would be interested in representing her.

Mary’s response was puzzling to say the least: She e-mailed Ann a rant about how she was not interested in giving free publishing advice.

Huh?

In shock, Ann contacted me. This made no sense to me, either. I’d seen Ann’s e-mail and it was clear that Ann had an offer and needed an agent, not free advice.

Ann e-mailed Mary, explaining, once again, what she wanted, and I called Mary and left a voicemail, trying to clear things up, reiterating that Ann had been offered an advance.

Mary’s next response was just as adamant and ridiculous as her first: She wasn’t interested in spending her time giving an author free advice.

Ann forwarded Mary’s second e-mail, I read it, then called Ann.

“Remember how I told you that book publishing is insane?” I asked Ann.

“Yeah, but this really doesn’t make any sense,” she said. “Why doesn’t she understand?”

“The diagnosis,” I explained to Ann, “is Impacted Cranial Rectitis. Like so many people in publishing, Mary has her head up her ass. Unfortunately, it’s very common. I see or hear about hundreds of cases every year.”

This medical tale (sounds like tail…ha-ha-ha! Get it? Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself) does have a happy ending, though. I referred Ann to another agent we’ll call Fred, who, at least that day, did not have his head up his ass, though I have known him to have suffered from Impacted Cranial Rectitis on other occasions.

Fred negotiated Ann’s contract, the book will be out this spring, and, so far, everyone’s living happily ever after.

As for Mary, the agent, well, I did refer another author to her, a very talented, published one who is also a documentary filmmaker and has been nominated for a Pulitzer and an Academy Award.

Mary turned her down flat.

I won’t refer anyone else to Mary.

Sometimes Impacted Cranial Rectitis is terminal.

* * * * *

Nina L. Diamond is a journalist, essayist, and the author of Voices of Truth: Conversations with Scientists, Thinkers & Healers. Her work has appeared in numerous publications, including Omni, The Los Angeles Times Magazine, The Chicago Tribune, and The Miami Herald.

Ms. Diamond was a writer and performer on Pandemonium, the National Public Radio (NPR) satirical humor program, for its entire run in Miami and select markets nationwide from 1984-1998. As an editor, she works frequently with other authors and journalists on both fiction and non-fiction.

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