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Much Ado About Publishing

There's No Such Thing As a Quick Remote

by Nina L. Diamond

The book deals are already being made, and gushing oil will soon become gushing profits for publishers. Let's hope the gooey flow stops before the literary flow begins.

Nothing that BP has tried has worked. Oil from the Deepwater Horizon leak keeps pouring into the Gulf off the coasts of Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, and Louisiana as the oil company, the federal and state governments, and experts from around the world continue to look for a solution.

So do plenty of other people who've thrown their two cents in.

Anyone can offer a solution and the powers-that-be will take a look at it. In most cases, it's an extremely short look because the so-called solution is either obviously not viable or just plain crazy. And not the good kind of crazy.

They haven't tried a time machine yet, but that's the solution that gets my vote.

Since the leak, more than a month ago, I've kept thinking that the on-going attempt to fix it is a classic example of The Wisdom of Chuck:

There's no such thing as a quick remote.

Chuck used to say that all the time and he was right. And still is.

We worked together 30 years ago at an ABC affiliate where he directed the newscasts and other programs while I ran camera or was audio director. He also shot the video and directed commercials, promotions, and public service announcements that I wrote and produced.

If we worked on something in the studio, it usually took about as long as we thought it would. But, if we did a "remote," meaning that we shot something on location, no matter how simple or quick we thought it would be, it would always become complicated and take longer. Thus was born his motto: "There's no such thing as a quick remote."

You can think of it as a first cousin to Murphy's Law, which states that anything that can go wrong, will.

I've passed along The Wisdom of Chuck for three decades because it applies to everything and, quite often, the recipients of said wisdom -- no matter what line of work they're in, no matter if the situation is professional or personal -- tell me how eerily true it is.

It's the reason it's taking you longer to find an agent or a publisher than it did to write your book.

It's the reason why it's taking the publishing house forever to negotiate your contract and then send you the advance once the contract is signed, and why things don't go as planned when you're finally on a book tour.

It's the reason why anything you do outside your home or workplace happens the way it does.

So, of course, it's the reason why it's taken so long for BP to stop that oil leak. It's happening on location. It's a "remote."

And -- let's say it together, now -- There's no such thing as a quick remote.

While it doesn't solve anything, if you remember this, at least it helps you make some odd sense out of the frustrating delays. Kind of like when you trip and fall over, and gravity gets to share in the blame.

As I write this, the oil is making landfall on those soft, sugar-white Florida beaches. And, since Chuck is now a Video Production Manager for the state, he'll be going to the coast to shoot some particularly sad video.

It won't be a quick remote.

Especially for the dying pelicans coated in thick, brown glop.

* * * * *

Nina L. Diamond is a journalist, essayist, and the author of Voices of Truth: Conversations with Scientists, Thinkers & Healers. Her work has appeared in numerous publications, including Omni, The Los Angeles Times Magazine, The Chicago Tribune, and The Miami Herald.

Ms. Diamond was a writer and performer on Pandemonium, the National Public Radio (NPR) satirical humor program, for its entire run in Miami and select markets nationwide from 1984-1998. As an editor, she works frequently with other authors and journalists on both fiction and non-fiction.

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