How to Turn Anger into Hot AIR
"For the truth of the matter is that you cannot forgive someone until you have fully felt the pain he or she has caused you." So concludes the description of successfully dealing with anger and forgiveness, and thereby avoiding REVENGE, in A Guide to Psychology and its Practice by Raymond Lloyd Richmond, Ph.D. At his website, www.GuideToPsychology.com, Dr. Richmond describes in detail the process of learning how to deal with anger, and how natural an impulse it is to act with agression when we are wronged, because as infants we learn to do so as part of forming our personalities. "And so, when anything or anyone threatens us with the truth of our essential fragmentation, the quickest, easiest, and most common defense available — to hide the truth of our weakness and to give the illusion that we possess some sort of power — is aggression." Dr. Richmond goes on to describe that yes, anger is natural, but so is poison. He lists the three steps to overcome this basic response: "...the FIRST STEP in learning a healthy response to feelings of hurt and insult is simply to acknowledge that you feel hurt. "...the SECOND STEP in learning a healthy response to feelings of hurt and insult is to follow the hurt back into its roots in the past to all those times and circumstances when you felt the same way. "Having acknowledged the wound and explored it, you will be ready for the healing process to begin. For healing to take place, though, you must be careful to avoid anything that irritates, rather than soothes, the wound. "Therefore, the THIRD STEP in learning a healthy response to feelings of hurt and insult is to avoid the popular response to feelings of hurt and insult." As a final suggestion, Dr. Richmond adds: "Perhaps you might want to think of anger as just a lot of hot AIR. "A - Adrenaline. That initial “rush” in response to an insult is adrenaline. Nothing but adrenaline. "I - Identify. Identify what is really happening, how much of a threat it really is, and why it is happening. "R - Reaction choice. Choose a reaction that is compassionate and fair, rather than fall headlong into hostility and revenge."
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The Un-Comfort Zone
This Month: Instead of serving it cold... Don't serve it at all
On a summer day in 1973, my 12 year old sister was riding her horse on the quiet streets near our house. There was a little more traffic than usual as two cars came toward her from opposite directions. Cindy rode onto the well-tended lawn of a stately two-story house to get out of the way. While she waited, her horse relieved himself. She then rode on, unknowing that her steed had left a pile of manure on the emerald zoysia grass.Cindy was two hundred feet down the road, when a car sped past, then skidded to a tire-squealing halt in front of her horse. The startled horse reared up; throwing Cindy to the pavement below. A man leapt out of his car, then without asking if she was hurt, started screaming at her for allowing her horse to defecate on his lawn. Crying and in pain from bruises to her back and arms, Cindy struggled to her feet, then managed to catch her horse who had only wandered off a few feet.
She apologized profusely, but the hysterical homeowner would not be satisfied. He insisted she walk her horse back to his yard, where he forced her to remove the horse droppings with her bare hands. Then without offering her an opportunity to wash her hands, he ordered her off his property.
I was enraged when she told me the story. As a hormone-filled sixteen year old, I wanted to retaliate on her behalf. I told her I would get two hundred pounds of salt; then under the cover of night, use it to write a message on his lawn. Within a few days, alphabet-shaped sections of his grass would die. Revenge would be sweet as his neighbors read in brown letters the profane words that described the true nature of his character.
Fortunately, my sister is more forgiving than me, and refused to tell me which house the jerk lived in. Cindy's wisdom probably kept me out of jail.
Revenge is a powerful motivator. It is a survival instinct that dates back to our caveman days. If we were attacked and did not retaliate, then our enemy would attack again and again until they succeeded in killing us.
The problem is that when someone hurts us today, that primal urge still rises quickly. It doesn't take much - it can be an emotional injury, an insult or a rejection - to stimulate that response within us. If we act upon it, we usually find ourselves feeling worse than before the slight. And, if we get too carried away, we may find ourselves on the wrong side of the law. As Mahatma Gandhi observed, "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind."
The trick is curbing that response, and using that powerful motivation in a positive way for ourselves. I like the way psychologist and author, Vijai P. Sharma, puts it, "It is better to let the other person get away with it, so that you can get away from it."
We can control our instinct and put it to work for us instead of against us by using that energy in positive ways. Exercise is a great way to blow off that initial steam you feel. I like to get out on my in-line skates and skate ten or more miles. Not only does it burn energy, the repetitive activity is meditative and allows me to put things into perspective.
Loving yourself by investing in your personal growth and development is another way to thwart those primal urges. Use your time to get better at what you do — pour that energy into your business and hobbies. Treat yourself to a massage, a gourmet meal, or a mini-vacation. And, surround yourself with friends who know and love you best. As Welsh poet, George Herbert, said in 1630, "Living well is the best revenge."
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Robert Evans Wilson, Jr. is a motivational speaker and humorist. He works with companies that want to be more competitive and with people who want to think like innovators. For more information on Robert's programs please visit www.jumpstartyourmeeting.com.
P.S. Please Connect With Me:
http://www.linkedin.com/in/graffitiguy
http://www.facebook.com/robevanswilson
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Read past editions of The Uncomfort Zone:
Keeping the Ball Rolling
The Secret for People Who Don’t Believe in Voodoo
Sometimes You Have to Rip the Cover Off the Book
You’ll Know When You’ve Arrived